A Modest Proposal

For Preventing the People Diagnosed with HIV/AIDS 

from Being a Burden to their Country

and for Making Them Beneficial to the Public

It is a wretched object to those who prowl through night clubs looking for a few hours of fun, who are virgins in Africa, or who have been bitten by vampires and are in desperate need to refill their blood supply, when they walk out dumbfounded from a doctor's office weeks later after discovering that they are HIV positive with no aid or cure in sight. These people, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in depression and desperately mull over how to relay the unfortunate news of their discriminated virus to unsuspecting parents and their soon to be ex-girlfriend and boyfriends.

I think it is agreed by all parties, that this prodigious number of infected people who unfortunately took their lovemaking too far or picked the wrong needle to poke into their arms is, in the present discriminating state of the world, a very great additional grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair and easy method of making the unlucky infected sound and useful members of the common-wealth, would deserve so well of the public, as to have her statue set up for a preserver of the nation.

As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years, upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of our projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in their computation. It is true, reverse transcriptase is the culprit in the AIDS virus that causes such embarrassment and shame, so spending millions of our hard-earned money to research the virus is perfectly sound. However, once infected, those who are HIV positive are perceived as precarious time bombs as they await the next opportunistic infection that may end their uncertain lives--they play their odds against the fatal game of infection roulette and lose. Researching this virus does nothing to improve our lives now. We must help those who have been discriminated for ironically being a positive by advocating their acceptance in society: this requires a powerful mass medium. Thus, I propose that the government help protect the lives of both the superior and the inferior. Yet know that for what I am about to propose, I am not clinically deranged; I am assured by others, such as my good friend David Sedaris, who is a "very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I highly esteem" (678), that "Having protection suggests that you are important. Having that protection paid for by the government is even better, as it suggests your safety is of interest to someone other than yourself" (252). 

The number of souls in the world infected with HIV is approximately 35 million. I subtract an extremely large number from that and thus the number of souls in this country ages 13 years and older infected by the HIV virus is around 1.1 million, about 1 in every 6 people. Of these 1.1 million people living with HIV/AIDS, more than 20% were woman, which leads to the logical conclusion that more than 70% of the 1.1 million are men. Evidently, these men are unrestrained in their control of suppressing hormones, and accordingly the millions of dollars we so generously contribute to HIV research should be used to stop these wild impulses.

I shall now therefore propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection. I have been assured by two companions I have acquainted in America, by the names of Chet Raymo and Jessica Cohen, that a new era is abound, a time filled with discoveries of genetic manipulation at breakneck speeds. Soon, I have been guaranteed, our children will be produced via in vitro fertilization. Baby making will happen right in our own underground laboratories, and thus, the unruly desire to have too much fun will be eradicated completely. For mothers who unknowingly transmit HIV to their infant children, I refer thee to a piece my good friend Jonathan Swift has written, in which he describes the lavish feasting of children to benefit his country. I employ the similar tactic of feast to rid our country of HIV positive children who probably do not even make it past the age of five. Finally, for those who are in dire need of blood transfusions and in their panic use a dirty needle, I reassure them that it is ok, for lack of a better word. I humbly propose that everyone in this country also use dirty needles, transforming HIV positives from minorities to the majority, abolishing any sort of discrimination to the infected population.

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by purifying our nation and its wild desires, alleviating mental trauma associated with the virus, relieving the poor infants from years of pain, and giving some pleasure to the rich. I unfortunately will be unable to join the festivities of this grand proposal for I will soon be considered a minority, the HIV negative.